Randomosity

> I don't care how old and therefore entitled you feel, or how poor your grasp of the English language. A lineup is universal; get thee to the back of it.

> Mr. Stinky says I still take his breath away, it's pretty much instantaneous when I sit on him!

> Blatant ignorance bugs the hell out of me. How some people can live in a complete vacuum of awareness and not see anything wrong with that is beyond me.

> A grown man slathered in layers of kiwi pear lotion can smell deliciously wonderful in a nonsexual way. But I'd still have him for dessert.

> Going with the flow is my specialty but sometimes you need structure and organization. My idea of fun isn't being set adrift in the open waters and waiting for something that may or may not happen. That's called a waste of time.

> Being in the company of males is indubitably funner than females in almost every single way, especially when alcohol is the centrepiece on the table.

> I won't hold you back from living in denial but don't play the victim when this is obviously what you've chosen to do. My role isn't to be your enabler.

> Achieving the state of duplicity while amongst the company of men is the coolest when you're treated like a lady but also as one of the guys. The dirty, bawdy pigs... I love 'em!

> Being Asian doesn't automatically mean I want the baby to be male. I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy because I don't plan on an exchange or refund anyway. Should it come out crippled, sickly, deformed and retarded I will not rejoice just because it's got a penis.

> I felt like such a tool when my dad started telling me about the family cruise being planned for November, and I thought he was extending the invitation to us but he only wanted someone to go feed the cat and scoop her poo.

> When someone with big, black nostrils is talking to you it's never a good idea to become fixated upon their gaping nasal passages. Doing so will make you stare, realize you're staring, make conscious efforts to not stare, which results in a hypnotically, magnetic bond between your eyes and said nostrils. Then you need to exert Herculean strength to keep a straight face whilst staring and try to hide the mysterious appearance of tears in your eyes. Hopefully the other person brushes off the strange facial twitches and flaring nostrils as your usual, odd manner and takes those gigantic black holes away before you dissolve into uncontrolled laughter and tears.

Night Screams

So it's not quite as enchanting as coyotes singing but last night we had a moment. It's getting warmer now so I had the ceiling fan on and the windows opened while I slept. I love fresh air, but you know that already. As far as sleeping goes it was quite noneventful, a snoozefest if you want to throw in some extremely non-funny comedy. It's not even comedy, forget that last bit.

It was a quiet night, only a couple of chirps from random birds and insects. In the early hours before the sun came up Whiskey and I were jarred from our slumber by two very shrill but short screams. Whiskey bolted from her warm spot, ran to the end of the bed and perched at the corner where it's closest to the window to wait for the next bit of action.

Meanwhile, I laid in my fort of pillows - I need a whole bunch to keep me from sleeping on my back and pinching off the inferior vena cava, a no-no for beached, pregnant whales... although these same pillows seriously impede my efforts to get up and out for my midnight pees - trying to figure out what was going on outside.

A cat? A bunny? A small dog? Probably not a dog since they usually aren't let out of the house at like, 3am to wander the streets. And it didn't quite sound like the scream of a cat, although I suppose if I was being attacked, my screams of terror wouldn't sound like what I'd expect either.

Attack? Who said attack? That's just my assumption since I can't think of any other reasons for the shrieks which ended as quick as they began. I'm also going to assume that there was a coyote or other wily predator involved... doubtful that we have anything bigger in our area. A drunken, bald and ugly flasher perhaps? Uncle Bobby? Goose?

My conclusion is that predator (coyote) got a very surprised prey (bunny) quite quickly and that's why we only heard the two short screams. There was a pause... let's say coyote clamped down to make sure dinner was done and then a series of grunts that faded into the night.

Whiskey was on guard until the alarm went off this morning, no doubt to protect her juicy yet defenceless mistress should the boogeyman set his sights on an easy meal while I happily drifted back to sleep, wallowing in a sea of pillows. I have just stretched a 5 second story into an essay. Wanna come over for a slumber party? We'll tie up a bunch of bunnies out back and listen to the sweet sounds of twilight massacre, oh jolly fun!

Morning Breath

When Mr. Stinky is away Whiskey sleeps in his spot on the bed right beside me. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement because not only does she not get kicked in the course of the night I can reach over anytime I want to pet her, thus earning me loud, rumbling purrs.

This morning when the alarm went off, I shut it off and rolled over to say good morning to her. Ms. Dopeyface looked at me and then let out a big, stinky yawn. As I commented on her mad case of halitosis she demonstrated how much a human's opinion, even the gatekeeper to the big, white box in the kitchen means to the feline race.

She bent over and started licking her lady bits.

Sometimes You Gotta Wonder

Was that a kick or an unreleased fart?

The sensations can be quite similar.

What, you don't?

Ima Stupid People

This one's for Shuster and T-J.

Today at lunch, Clueless asked if I wanted to go run some errands with her after we ate. There were a few things at the nearby store on sale that she wanted and seeing's how it's a nice day I agreed. Our summer student, Candy had lunch plans but wanted instant noodles which are also on sale so I said I'd pick some up for her. She said she wanted 6, four in chicken flavour and two in the vegetable. No problem.

Two minutes later I drew a blank. I asked her if it was four veggies and two chickens and she corrected me but said that she wasn't picky; any combination of those two flavours were fine. I wrote down what she wanted so I wouldn't forget and stuck the note on my wallet. Foolproof.

As soon as Clueless and I arrived at the store I headed straight for the instant noodle section and grabbed four veggies and two chickens... so I wouldn't mess it up, I told her. We spent some time milling around the store checking out everything else before it was time to head back. At the cash, I dumped the packages on the counter and pulled out my wallet. That's when I noticed the handwritten note... the same one I had personally recorded not an hour ago and realized that I had gotten exactly the wrong number of each flavour.

What's a girl to do? Grabbed the offending two veggies, hurled over my shoulder to the girl that I'd be back in a sec and ran to go make the exchange... with a huge, long line up bearing witness to my idiocy and knowing that they'd have to wait that much longer to pay and get out. The story has a happy ending, but dude, how dumb to screw up one simple task.

And sure, we can justify the scrambled brains on my condition but in the end, stupid is as stupid does. I can only shake my head and roll my eyes to the heavens. At myself.

P-Something

I'm popping one out sometime in the second half of August.

I've become an awkward beachball of a creature. I have now joined the ranks of millions of women before, around and after me to get knocked up and stretched out of shape.

There you go, that should hold you for awhile. Here's hoping all goes well, it's been fairly easy thus far.

Damn you Holden for being so eerily intuitive, is this (one of) your superpower(s)? You're 2 for 2 if I recall correctly, first this, then that.

That Didn't Help

Damnit. Now all I want to do is nap underneath a tree somewhere.

It's Only Thursday?

I'm tired, I'm so friggin' tired all I want to do is sleep. I took the day off yesterday because I was too exhausted to roll out of bed and slept in 'til late morning. Then I was alert for several hours before succumbing to the afternoon nap. If you thought that was enough I went to bed at my regular bedtime and slept until it was time to get up this morning for work.

I'm sitting here being a drowsy, useless lump because it's 11am and I've barely done any work. I can't blame it on the weather because it's super nice outside. Guess I'll take a walk for break, get some downtown "fresh" air and dial the volume on my iPod up. Hopefully that helps.