Dear Ladies...

Just a few suggestions when you use public washrooms:

> Please don't wait until the last possible moment to go if you're feeling the urge (eg. doing the poopy dance in front of the toilet while you're undoing your pants is waiting too long). The longer you wait, the higher the chances for unpleasant and messy explosions.

> Increase your fibre intake. This way, your waste material hold its shape better.

> Aim is just as important for women as it is for men.

Thank you kindly,
Stinky T

Aloha No More?

Duuude. Did you know it's possible to be allergic to pineapple? Me neither!!

I've eaten it my whole life and I love it. Yum yum! I have to admit that all the pineapple I've ever ingested came from a can. Lately though, we've been enjoying fresh pineapple from the store and today I packed some for my lunch, about 3/4 cup (which is more than I usually eat, but it's a particularly good one, so..).

I was reading the paper as I was eating, so I didn't notice anything until almost the end when my tongue felt funny. By the time I finished, my tongue felt all raw and like it was on fire. I drank some water and went to the washroom to brush my teeth, to no avail. The whole front half of my tongue was burning up! You know when you didn't listen to mom and gulped down your atomically hot soup or hot chocolate despite her cautions for you to slow down and the telltale steam rising and then you scald your tongue badly and it hurts so much you suck on ice cubes to numb the pain? That's what it felt like in this case, times 5. I sat at my computer and worked for the rest of the afternnon with my tongue hanging out of my mouth so that the cool air might heal some of the pain. If this were the cartoons there would be little bolts of lightning zapping around while my tongue went "BZZ.. BZZZ".

My co-workers asked me if I was allergic and I didn't think so, because I've never had any kind of reaction to pineapple before and didn't display any of the other common symptoms. Shortly after, my throat started hurting. What the? She asked me if it was my throat closing up and I said I didn't think so, I could still breathe. My throat just hurt like when you have a cold. Hmm... A little after that my ears started itching... like when you have a cold. And somehow your pinky finger is never small enough so that you can fully jab it in there to scratch that itch so you contemplate using your pen or letter opener, or toothpick... Oh come on. You know you've thought of doing that before!

I joked that if I dropped right there, she'd have to tell the paramedics what happened to me. I didn't want to alarm her at the time, but my chest was also feeling a little tight. I was breathing fine so I wasn't about to panic. As long as the airway's open I won't be dialling 911.

Anaphylactic shock, anyone?

My symptoms are slowly going away now. The tongue feels like a day old burn now and my throat and ears are only mildly irritated. But I guess I won't be eating anymore fresh pineapple anytime soon, unless I want to go on another bad trip with this crazy Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde tropical fruit.

They Always Come in Threes

Within these last four months I've been to three funerals. At each and every one of them I shed enough tears to fill a Kleenex box. I don't cry because it's a "girl thing" where I can't control my emotions, nor am I upset with the reality of death. Everyone eventually passes, it's part of the cycle and in this age of medicine and technology so often do we forget this fact and bemoan the ending of a life.

We take the people in our lives for granted. We forget and lose touch but there's always the thought that tomorrow we might reach out. Pick up the phone. Send some mail. Up to their doorsteps. There's no such thing as running out of time, they'll always be there. We get older each year but we'll be around forever. There's always tomorrow...

My tears are for time, past and future. The memories we shared, the long ago forgotten ones jogged into the present as I'm paying my last respects, and the time we'll never have once we dry our eyes and the dirt is laid. I realize how little we knew of each other, how we won't have anymore time to fix that. I've heard so much about you and I wanted the time to see all of that, but we'll never see where you could have been in 5 years, you'll never see my children, I'll never have you here with me again. It really is a heartfelt, tragic loss that we ran out of time. And I don't know what's worse, having known the person for a lifetime or just a little while. In any case it hurts. For me, for you and the ones you leave behind.

Should've. Would've. Could've.

I've a few years to go before I hit 30 but I can count 9 funerals. How many Kleenex boxes have I filled? I stand in front of the casket and my mind races but I have nothing to say that mirrors the jumble of emotions inside. I stare inside and wish we could rewind time and enjoy it again. I don't know how to say goodbye properly, to let the memory of you wash away. All I can think about is what we could be doing next week if you hadn't left.

It's All in Your Head, Dear

I hate taking sick days from work. It's boring to sit at home with nothing to do and feeling miserable. I don't want to be at work feeling ick, or sick for that matter so it's a no-win situation. Yesterday, on a Friday, I had to take a sick day because of a migraine. Today I'm dealing with some of the residual pain.

Migraine days are write-off days. Those are the days you lay in bed and wait for the day to end, here's how it all started.

I started getting migraines during my last year of university. It was horrible, they came out of nowhere and my first episode lasted on and off for roughly 2 weeks, mostly on. I didn't know what the heck was happening, just that XS acetaminophen wasn't working. My head throbbed, I was dizzy and nauseated, couldn't see clearly, nor do my readings because the words were literally floating around the pages. I had to drop out of a really interesting anatomy class because the microscope work was a crazy kaleidoscope of searing torture. I laid in my bed in the dark not sleeping, not eating, not moving. My mom went out and bought a case of those liquid meal replacements. She cracked open a can, stuck a straw in it and connected it to my mouth. Even though I had no appetite I knew I had to eat something and because it didn't require chewing (moving my head), I could handle the stuff.

I was finally granted an appointment with my doctor who prescribed some super drugs. They were just heavenly! The headaches went away, although the remnant migraine stayed. For several months afterwards my head felt really delicate, like it was made of glass. I couldn't move too fast, do anything strenuous, sit comfortably in Mr. Stinky's standard-transmission car or listen to music at a normal volume. Everything hurt my head and I felt any moment it would fall to pieces.

All that pain eventually went away and I celebrated the conquering of this head beast. Not so fast, my pretties. I was soon to be visited by the migraine fairy every month, on the first day of my period, it was a double whammy! On my doctor's orders I tried every kind of XS OTC pain relief and nothing worked. During this period we were living in a one-bedroom apartment. I barricaded myself in the bedroom during my episodes because I couldn't stand the smell of food, even if Mr. Stinky had cooked and eaten hours before I got home. My doctor finally prescribed me another kind of migraine drugs. Peace prevailed again.

Sometimes even those pills don't do the trick. When the little blue and yellows fail me, I turn to my super duper horse pills! They are just magical... of course they also leave me high as a kite and I'm not all that productive at work either but at least I'm mostly pain free. Ask my friends about it, I've fallen out of my chair at work and somehow managed to keep the bagel in my hand off the floor.

I don't get them quite as often or as regular as I used to which is a good thing because migraines are horrible to live with. I take my little bottles of magic wherever I go, I don't want to be caught without my safety nets.

Wait Your Damn Turn!

A few things have happened between the last post and this one that I really wanted to write about, but there are some things that just aren't meant to go online or be made public, so that's why I haven't updated in a few days. Carrying on.

So this is my latest rant. I don't want the general reader to think I'm a miserable person because I write so many angry blogs. It's just "Today was great. Nothing really interesting happened, but I love the world." doesn't catch anyone's attention, least of all mine.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who interrupt. Yes, I'm talking to you people who won't let people finish their sentences or stories before you have to interject because you think what you're about to say is just that important. There are times when I'm having a hugely animated conversation with my friends like you wouldn't believe. We've got arms flapping around in the air for visual effect, spit flying like those ch-ch-ch sprinklers, faces red from laughing and excitement, and the most telling clue of all: words and noises coming out of our mouths. In the midst of this people will walk right up and start talking to one of us as if we had been standing there the whole time, picking our noses and waiting for life to happen.

I am just flabbergasted as to how rude people can be. What happened to saying "excuse me", "sorry to interrupt" or even just standing there waiting for the sentence to at least finish? Do you know how many times at work where I am on the phone or obviously busy with my work but someone will march on in and start talking to me or demanding assistance which, once I've heard it, really wasn't urgent at all? I have had to interrupt my calls or train of thought, I have been firm but polite in asking them to wait a minute and I have given some really terse responses. There is never any change and the next time we just hop on the same ride, doing the same routine.

I also get irritated when in the midst of a conversation someone will jump in and yell at high volumes, because I guess if you've got to interrupt you might as well make sure everyone pays full attention to you, something that really has no relevance to the original matter at hand. Say we're discussing our pets... "OH!! I HAVE A COUSIN (whom you've never met, heard of or care about) AND SHE REALLY LOVES GUESS WATCHES AND SHE'S GOT ONE THAT'S PURPLE AND THE SECOND HAND HAS A HELLO KITTY ON IT AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT A SECOND HAND IS? IT'S THE SKINNIEST POINTER IN THE WATCH THAT MOVES THE FASTEST AND IT'S SO CUTE BECAUSE NOOOOBODY ELSE HAS ONE LIKE IT AND I LOVE HER WATCH AND IF I EVER SEE ONE I'M GOING TO BUY IT. ISN'T THAT SO COOOL? DON'T YOU WANT A GUESS WATCH JUST LIKE HER? ISN'T SHE FUNNY? YOU GUYS COULD SOOO BE FRIENDS COZ YOU'RE BOTH THE SAME AGE"....... Maybe that's a poor example, but it's all I can think of right now. You get the picture. Stupid people I don't care about buying stupid watches with stupid Hello Kitty hands. That's why you interrupted me? That's why you had to screech through all the other voices and waste a whole minute (counted by Hello Kitty) of my life?

I don't understand why people think they, their needs or "contributions" are so important that they have to butt in front of others to become first in line. Don't people know how to wait anymore? I admit that I do it too, we all do, especially when we get excited. But the main thing is I try to keep that at a minimum. I try not to be so rude that the other person's spotlight somehow becomes mine. If someone's on the phone, it makes chronological and logical sense that I wait for them to finish the call before I walk in with my purpose for visiting. Of course there are always exceptions. If we're doing the "Weather's nice"......"Yep".... conversation and someone's house is burning please don't hesitate to run over and start yelling about the fire and that we need to call 911 and help whoever might still be inside.

So you. Yah, you know this is about you. Shut up and wait for your turn to talk. My life isn't about waiting around for you to pay attention to me. Learn some manners, be patient and stop butting in while I'm busy with something else that might actually be important.