They Always Come in Threes

Within these last four months I've been to three funerals. At each and every one of them I shed enough tears to fill a Kleenex box. I don't cry because it's a "girl thing" where I can't control my emotions, nor am I upset with the reality of death. Everyone eventually passes, it's part of the cycle and in this age of medicine and technology so often do we forget this fact and bemoan the ending of a life.

We take the people in our lives for granted. We forget and lose touch but there's always the thought that tomorrow we might reach out. Pick up the phone. Send some mail. Up to their doorsteps. There's no such thing as running out of time, they'll always be there. We get older each year but we'll be around forever. There's always tomorrow...

My tears are for time, past and future. The memories we shared, the long ago forgotten ones jogged into the present as I'm paying my last respects, and the time we'll never have once we dry our eyes and the dirt is laid. I realize how little we knew of each other, how we won't have anymore time to fix that. I've heard so much about you and I wanted the time to see all of that, but we'll never see where you could have been in 5 years, you'll never see my children, I'll never have you here with me again. It really is a heartfelt, tragic loss that we ran out of time. And I don't know what's worse, having known the person for a lifetime or just a little while. In any case it hurts. For me, for you and the ones you leave behind.

Should've. Would've. Could've.

I've a few years to go before I hit 30 but I can count 9 funerals. How many Kleenex boxes have I filled? I stand in front of the casket and my mind races but I have nothing to say that mirrors the jumble of emotions inside. I stare inside and wish we could rewind time and enjoy it again. I don't know how to say goodbye properly, to let the memory of you wash away. All I can think about is what we could be doing next week if you hadn't left.