Public Announcement for Oral Sanity

Halitosis. Embarassing, unpleasant, fact of life.

Nobody has perfect breath, especially after an orgasm-worthy meal for the tastebuds filled with garlic, curry, chives, onion, etc. Most notibly, we've got cigarette breath, coffee breath, barf breath, morning breath and ass breath (which doesn't smell like anything in particular, just toxic); it's a whole rainbow variety of smells out there. That's why the market for chewing gum, tasty toothpastes, minty candies and mouthwash is so huge.

But really, if you notice consistently that when you're having a conversation or in a meeting with others and pick up on the following behaviours, there is a screaming loud message being broadcasted to you subtly. Nobody wants to embarass you. Really. Take notice.

> People trying desperately to smell their armpits, sleeves or collars
> People doing a lot of "mm-hmm"ing behind hands or papers conspicuously covering the whole lower half of their faces
> People who seem to exhale a whole lot more than they inhale
> People who, when they respond, sound like they are choking (we're trying not to breathe in)
> Large buffer zones at the conference table between you and everyone else
> Everyone offering you a mint, stick of gum, face shield, etc.
> Heads cocked at weird angles, but never facing you
> People who step backwards while they talk until you've backed them up literally, against a wall

If you discover that regular oral hygiene isn't working for you, go see your doctor or dentist. It could be a medical thing. It could be a diet thing. It could be that we need to install a filter at your lips so I get Brita fresh air instead of sewer breath when we talk. And please, above all else, I can hear you from 5 feet away. Let's not be able to soulfully gaze into each others' eyes while your breath tickles my ears, vapourizes my nose hairs and dissolves my trachea.

If I offer you a mint, take it. I'll do the same if you were me and I was you.