Starbuckers Inc.

Yesterday I had a course to attend for work and was early so I hung out in a nearby food court reading the newspaper and killing time. About 100 feet from me was a Starbucks. At first I paid this American caffeine establishment no heed, but after awhile I found myself being interrupted every few seconds by the coffee-making employees. Oh wait, as they are also a pretentious establishment I should use the correct term: barristas.

So there was this extra peppy lid guy or drink caller-outer standing there. His job was to wipe the bottoms, lid the cup or whatever and then announce very loudly the drink that was just made: "I HAVE A VENTI HALF MOCHA CHOCA NON-FAT NON-DAIRY EXTRA WHIP RANDOM ADJECTIVES IN A FRILLY CUP REA-DEE!" On a side note, God forbid you use regular english when you order and say something like "large". You obviously understand what I'm asking for so why are you being an ass when you look down your pierced little nose, get all Italian on me and say "VEN-ti" like you're a teacher talking down to a kid?

Watching him yell out the very splashy and complicated names of the drinks while the customers were standing right in front of him reminded me of a scene in Half Baked when Scarface was at work and the cashier boomed into the mic what the customer had just ordered.

"You son-of-a-bitch, I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a heifer with cheese, yo. Why you got to make me feel inferior because I'm on the grill, B? Damn!"

Seriously, nobody outside the world of Starbucks cares what the guy just ordered. Why's you gotta make it such a big deal, yo? And while I'm at it, why's your people gotta stop every once in awhile and dance a jig or howl at the moon? You're making coffee, yo, not big deals on The Wall with other big suits. If putting liquids in a cup successfully is such an achievement, do I wanna buy from you? Seriously, B.

I wonder if you go to special Starbucks school to learn how to act like a Starbucks employee. I bet they weed out the applicants to get only the best of the best, and then they churn out model employees like frothy somethingmachinnos who are now Starbucks hip, Starbucks cool and Starbucks savvy. The pseudos of society if you will. Maybe their motto is "Not quite there, but crazy styled hair". There must be manuals and such you must follow. I bet they make you snort lines of fine Columbian grind to stay chipper all the live long day too. Their CEO must be Ned Flanders and every once in awhile they go get re-Neducated! Duuude, I just figured out their whole cultish empire!

I really should shut my yap, I know of someone who works at a Starbucks and last I saw her she was pretty cool. But that was also before she was actually recruited into one of these gourmet coffee shoppes.

I wonder if there are bible verses under the rims of the cups too, yo.