How To Go

I had a medical appointment yesterday after work in Scarborough and needed to take the TTC to get there since I don’t have a car. But that’s OK because I wouldn’t drive to work anyway, I very much dislike traffic, taxis and well… everyone so commuting via public transit seems to be the least of all evils.

Of course I had to pee when I got there. I pee a lot. I drink a lot of water which produces a lot of pee, it’s a vicious cycle. I tried to drink less but then I get thirsty. What the frig. Good thing I was early (I’m an early person, I don’t get along well with late people. If I invite you over for dinner and say be here by 7:00pm that’s when the door locks, not when you get into your car from home. I’m a bitch, get used to it) because it gave me time to go to the washroom.

I’m not a fan of public washrooms for all the obvious reasons but just looking at doorknobs and any surfaces projects into my mind nasty imagery of people picking their noses, scratching themselves and digging lunch out of their teeth right before touching whatever it is I need to touch. Hi, paranoia? It’s me, Stinky T, I do believe we’ve met.

I needed a key to access the washroom and started laughing as soon as I walked in. People on the floor must’ve gotten spooked when they heard my harsh cackle echoing down the hall but not see me. I wish I had a camera, as creepy as that sounds going into a public restroom, but it was just priceless.

Tacked on various walls were photocopied signs on coloured paper saying something like:

Ladies! If you must must must must pee on the seats…
Please clean up after yourselves!!

It had other stuff too, like you wouldn’t do it at home, why do it here but that was the gist of the message that mattered.

Who the hell pees on the seat on purpose?? I know that we all have aiming issues sometimes which results in wet seats or drippy rims, especially after drinking or in the middle of the night and the lights stay off.. or both, but peeing right on the seat? That’s issues, man. Someone must have a thing for splashing themselves all over or something equally gross because that’s what happens when pee hits the seat. And to have to be told not to do it? That kills me. Grown women all over the city have to be scolded into not making a mess. Bwah!

Sorry, the moment's over. I didn’t pee on the seat and therefore didn’t have to clean anything up. The key got brought back to the office with my pinky stuck through the key ring to minimalize germ transfer and the day ended just like any other with dry toilet seats rejoicing in the city.