I had an unfortunate burping incident on the GO Train Friday. I probably offended and shocked a few people around me, hell, I was no less shocked being the unintended offender. Truthfully, it wasn't expected and I've actually matured sufficiently within the last few years to know that belching in public is a social no-no. OK, except when you're with friends, drunk, farting and generally having a gay ol' time.
I'm one of those people who can burp like a champ, think of me as a human bagpipe. The tonal control, the bass and volume... it's a life skill masterfully perfected and practiced until you meet a boy you really like and want to impress. Then the skill kind of disappears for awhile because you don't want to scare him off after that first lovely, candlelit meal by letting loose and turning the candles into white-hot torches, singeing off his facial hair while obliterating all sense of hearing. Yah, not so much something you want to show off right away.
You know how sometimes you feel a little burp in your throat so you do that big, deep breath thing so that the bubble dissolves and becomes a part of your exhalation? That's what I thought I had and thus commenced with the deep breath technique, except it wasn't a little burp. It was somehow used as a camouflage by the real culprit; a nasty beer-belly, butt scratching, stale smokes and stained wife beater eruption. Akin to the kind you used to admire as a kid when your grandfather sat in his chair and nonchalantly unhinged that stomach sphincter to unleash a 5 second gale of china-shaking, sometimes almost musical belch performed by a full orchestra, no less, that should go down in history as an epic event. It's the kind of commanding performance that could part the seas and unless you happened to sit downwind of him and smell what he was digesting, that's the stuff that makes you giggle and be in awe of his powers at the same time.
So enough of talking about my grandpa's gas. You know by now what I'm getting at and what I expelled while in the midst of civilized people who don't do these kinds of things in public. I was mortified, I hoped it wasn't so bad that it shook my seat, and thus of the woman beside me. I hoped it wasn't as disgusting and loud as it sounded to me, although I'm fairly certain that it was. Once again iPod came to the rescue as with it in and my eyes closed I pretended it wasn't me. It's not like I wanted to open my eyes and see who was staring at me anyway. Maybe I should've used my super secret government spy skills to stealthily point a finger at my seatmate and thus direct everyone else's glares of disgust at her. Or maybe she had some gas that afternoon and possessed the power of ventriloquism and made it seem like I did it. Curses!
Next question, do I dare sit in that area again?
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2 comments:
Dude, that was perhaps the funniest thing I've read in the past month. Something does however, perplex me greatly: you mentioned this incident occurred on the GO train and then later you made reference to civilized people. I just want to know what world you were in that day because I have never witnessed the civility of anyone who uses GO.
For anyone who reads this comment and wants to argue with me, just watch the herd discend on the doors when the train does not arrive on time and a crowd forms on the platform. This herding is very reminiscent of the battle scenes in Braveheart, except that the swords and lances of the movie are replaced by bags, elbows and even briefcases of the so-called civilized people.
I've been REALLY bad at reading/updating blogs lately. But this posting, my friend, has had me laughing for about 3 minutes now.
I must tease you about it in person now.
P.S. You disgust me.
LOL
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