The Ups and Downs of Pregnancy

It didn’t take much for me to capitulate but I’ve gotten a few gentle prods to put thought down and do an update. I don’t have much but I’ll try to make it entertaining.

I’ve enjoyed being pregnant immensely; it’s been a wonderful first 8 months. I’ve suffered few side effects and reaped the pleasurable rewards of bigger boobies and the lovely, healthy glow of knocked up-ness. Everyone says you can’t tell from behind that I’m pregnant, it’s not until you look from a more advantageous angle that it appears I’ve swallowed a basketball but somehow I’ve still managed to grow quite the bubble butt. I suppose it’s nature’s counterbalance, right? Oh, and you’ve probably heard that the weight distribution causes pregnant women to be a little less balanced (I’m talking physics, not neurology!) but the good Lord in His infinite wisdom saw fit to bestow upon me a stout pair of cankles during these last few weeks. The better to plant my feet with, the sturdier my stance. Sexy time!

I’ve got a couple of weeks to go but I’m ready now. I want to serve this baby with his/her eviction papers post haste and get it out, it’s been stewing long enough. Mama wants to sleep on her stomach and reach her toes again! It’s also not very amusing to have to pee constantly, you’re going to dehydrate her.

What is there to really rant about? I’d say the only things that turn this mild-mannered butterball into a feral beast are hunger and relatives. It’s amazing the rage that low blood sugar levels can bring about in an expectant mother. There have been times where I could barely control myself in the presence of others due to hunger. It’s a crazy ride. It’s also why I usually carry around an emergency granola bar, must temper the rage…

Relatives bring out the absolute worstest in me. I try to avoid too many functions where we have to mingle because I cannot tolerate their asinine and medically unfounded admonitions. Relatives you see, don’t offer advice to be helpful. Rather they feel that it’s their right to lecture you as though you were mentally retarded, it’s a cross they must bear. It doesn’t matter that I’m a fully functioning and educated adult who carefully did her homework, researched the pregnancy process and connected with a great obstetrician, they still know better. Better than the medical community for that matter. You see how one would turn into a slathering beast ready to rip off the nearest face when forced to sit and endure the “You shouldn’t…” and “You have to…” pompous remarks of ignorance. I was once forced to get up and change seats at a restaurant, thus causing a scene because there was a clear and present danger of the wait staff taking running starts from the kitchen to Red Rover into my midsection... and cause my belly to spontaneously explode all over the place. How silly of me not to have realized that.

And yes, I know Eastern Medicine has been around forever as opposed to the newer and less ‘tried and true’ Western Medicine. I don’t doubt that some of the stuff works but now’s not the time for me to start experimenting especially since a lot of their highly touted remedies are extremely suspicious and idiotic. Deer penis soup, anyone?