Le Sigh...

I didn't even realize that it's my PMS time, I've been relatively OK this whole week if a little blah about the weather. Today I was feeling mopey and didn't really want to do anything. It wasn't until mid-morning that I remembered that this is my week of misery and anger, which isn't much different from next week. That's the week of misery and discomfort. Come to think of it, any day or week where I go to work is generally a time of misery. Hmm.

So I will talk and carry on a conversation but there will also be periods where I'm just quiet, staring off into space and not partaking in any activities going on around me. I'm like that. My teenage years was basically one long, self-imposed silence. I could sit all day, be aware of what was going on but not say anything. I was Silent Bob before I even knew about Silent Bob. Odd, but that was how it was. I freaked out more than a few adults from my parents' church who didn't like that I wasn't the same, white-bread, happy-go-lucky and "friends with everyone" kid like the rest of the church kids.

When I'm quiet people around me find it disturbing. I guess in a world of hustle and bustle, many don't know what is or feel comfortable with silence. It's not a thing of right and wrong, it's just a thing. And you know they're thinking "is this person mad at me?", "is this person waiting for me to say something?", "seriously, did I do something wrong??"

I know. But sometimes in the moment I just don't care enough to say or do anything to rectify the situation. I feel like a lot of the time I am the centre of attention and I have to put in the extra effort to keep the conversation going, keep the jokes running. As soon as I stop, so does the talking. After a few moments of silence the discomfort level rising around me is palpable. Then I feel bad that now everyone around me's feeling down. I totally wouldn't mind if they ignored me and kept up their own conversation. Sometimes it's nice to just listen to other voices while you think. Or zone out. Or whatever. I know I do it when a friend isn't feeling talkative (and there's really nothing wrong). If I'm feeling yappy there's no stopping me, I don't even have time to pause sometimes to let others talk. I'll look at quiet friend from time to time to keep him/her in the conversation, even if just to acknowledge that he/she is there and listening but I usually won't demand participation.

I don't know what the purpose of this blog was ...maybe I just have alphabetic diarrhea? The first three letters must be PMS.