Yellow Finger

That's right, my finger's all yellow. It's so yellow it looks like I'm a habitual smoker. My finger tip, my cuticle, even my fingernail. Yellow. After bragging about my green thumb I thought it only appropriate if I follow up with a yellow finger story. Well, yellow finger and thumb.

No I'm not a smoker. I haven't had one since I got so sick off one back in the day that I was heaving my colon out of my throat, hallucinating about Jesus and cold sweating my way into deep hypothermia in the middle of the summer. I might've promised Him that if He got me through that day I'll never suck on another again. Seeing as he seemed to have kept his part of the bargain, I thought I'd do the same. We never discussed what would happen if I didn't but it works out in the end because I haven't wanted another since our conversation anyway.

I sure as hell didn't pee on myself either. I was out hunting aphids. They love sucking the juice out of new growth on roses and since I've become mother hen to these plants I hover daily and go squish squish squish. Do you know that the reason they are able to mulitply so fast is due to the nasty fact that every offspring is born pregnant with the next generation all ready to to be spat out? Sick man, that's just wrong. How do we fix wrongness in this world? We crush them with our mighty hand of judgement, or in this case, fingertips of death! Does this gardening talk bore you? Probably.

On my way home today I passed a woman standing in her front yard patiently and lovingly watering her tree. On closer inspection I realized that it wasn't a tree although the size bears testament to its hardiness and vitality. It was about 5 feet tall and 4 feet wide. It was large enough to be a small tree but in reality it was just a giant weed. It's not the kind that could possibly be mistaken for a non-weed either, lady was nuturing some crazy mutant dandelion of a plant in her front yard. Dude.

Upon further reflection, it could be some sort of science experiment. "How big can I get this thing to grow before it rips my house out of its foundations and eats us all while we sleep?", "How thick can I get the stem to grow before running at the thing with my lawn mower proves ineffective?", or "I bet this thing makes a great Christmas tree come December!" Whatever the case, she's nuts to be watering that thing and I just wanted to share.