"I was given the weird badge but I think everybody's weird and that's the key to it. We should celebrate our individuality, not be embarrassed or ashamed of it. We all have idiosyncrasies. People do themselves a great disservice by not allowing themselves to see who they really are because they are afraid of what others might think."
Me and Johnny Depp are kindred spirits... except I'm not as cool, pretty, rich, famous or talented as him. But I totally celebrate me and my oneness fastidiously and obsessively. It's also why I'm not a people pleaser; I don't need people to like and accept me on their terms. Take me as I am or walk away fast because I'm crazy and it shows, there ain't nothing subliminal about me. Muhahahahahaha....
December 29, 2006
December 22, 2006
Conifers Are Cool
I do like my quickies. Unfortunately this has turned into the opposite of what I had planned on writing about... oh well. But then you never did come here for something literary and intelligent either so the boat's still afloat.
Read the news lately? Apparently the latest issue is the Christmas Tree that was banned by a Toronto judge from a courthouse because of concerns it might offend somebody, hurt their feelings, remind us all that we live in a multicultural and multireligious society. Oh pooh pooh pooh... Then politicians started wondering if we should have some kind of policy in place for Christmas trees before the Premier in his glory told them all nicely to shut the fuck up and mind their own businesses.
It's a tree. It's a fucking tree with pretty things hanging from its branches. Really, it has about as much to do with Christianity as Santa Claus and his flying reindeers which, are an evolutionary impossibility because see, evolution doesn't exist and flying ungulates were never created... at least I never saw any while perusing through the illustrated stories of my childhood Sundays.
I wasn't there when Mary pushed the little Saviour out away in a manger and didn't get a chance to meet the three wise men as they came bearing gifts but dude, I strongly remember gifts of gold, frankincense (Frankenstein's gift since he couldn't make it what with being chased by angry mobs waving flaming torches and pitchforks... I deduced all this as a young child because nobody bothered to explain to me what in fact, frankincense is... I doubt any of the grown ups knew anyway. It's one of those "*sighh* Just because, OK??" deals) and myrrh from the stories and songs. Since U-Hauls and trucks hadn't been invented yet I figure they needed to travel lightly, yes? OK, so they had their desert caravans and stuff but surely wise men with a caravan would have brought more for the baby Jesus? Clothes so he didn't have to be swaddled in cloth? A crib might be more comfortable than a trough and even a few of those pine tree air fresheners to give the place a more pleasant aroma would do.
And hey, listen, they were in the desert too. No pine trees around... unless they hung the ornaments and afterbirth on some nearby olive tree and called it a Christmas tree which would have been another nonsensical move since Christmas hadn't even been invented yet. And come on, who hangs ornaments and placenta together like that? It's probably not even kosher, I can't believe you thought of it.
Surely we have more important things to deal with than a Christmas tree? Perhaps the politicians can have slappy fights to resolve issues like world peace, world hunger and the meager digits in my bank account instead... Seriously, it's so pathetic the moths won't even fly out of my wallet anymore when I open it. Do you see? Do you see how in the grand scheme of things the issue of the possibility of offending someone with a tree, and I don't believe that anyone has actually raised a hand yet, is so hollow that we're forgetting the true meaning of Christmas: Me.
Read the news lately? Apparently the latest issue is the Christmas Tree that was banned by a Toronto judge from a courthouse because of concerns it might offend somebody, hurt their feelings, remind us all that we live in a multicultural and multireligious society. Oh pooh pooh pooh... Then politicians started wondering if we should have some kind of policy in place for Christmas trees before the Premier in his glory told them all nicely to shut the fuck up and mind their own businesses.
It's a tree. It's a fucking tree with pretty things hanging from its branches. Really, it has about as much to do with Christianity as Santa Claus and his flying reindeers which, are an evolutionary impossibility because see, evolution doesn't exist and flying ungulates were never created... at least I never saw any while perusing through the illustrated stories of my childhood Sundays.
I wasn't there when Mary pushed the little Saviour out away in a manger and didn't get a chance to meet the three wise men as they came bearing gifts but dude, I strongly remember gifts of gold, frankincense (Frankenstein's gift since he couldn't make it what with being chased by angry mobs waving flaming torches and pitchforks... I deduced all this as a young child because nobody bothered to explain to me what in fact, frankincense is... I doubt any of the grown ups knew anyway. It's one of those "*sighh* Just because, OK??" deals) and myrrh from the stories and songs. Since U-Hauls and trucks hadn't been invented yet I figure they needed to travel lightly, yes? OK, so they had their desert caravans and stuff but surely wise men with a caravan would have brought more for the baby Jesus? Clothes so he didn't have to be swaddled in cloth? A crib might be more comfortable than a trough and even a few of those pine tree air fresheners to give the place a more pleasant aroma would do.
And hey, listen, they were in the desert too. No pine trees around... unless they hung the ornaments and afterbirth on some nearby olive tree and called it a Christmas tree which would have been another nonsensical move since Christmas hadn't even been invented yet. And come on, who hangs ornaments and placenta together like that? It's probably not even kosher, I can't believe you thought of it.
Surely we have more important things to deal with than a Christmas tree? Perhaps the politicians can have slappy fights to resolve issues like world peace, world hunger and the meager digits in my bank account instead... Seriously, it's so pathetic the moths won't even fly out of my wallet anymore when I open it. Do you see? Do you see how in the grand scheme of things the issue of the possibility of offending someone with a tree, and I don't believe that anyone has actually raised a hand yet, is so hollow that we're forgetting the true meaning of Christmas: Me.
December 19, 2006
Hola, Malditas!
We got back last night and the first thing we did was go get some Timmy's. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I don't know a lick of Spanish but I sure do know how to pick out the juicy words in the subtitles from the TV shows. They'll be put to good use.
So the question was, can one live all week in their swimsuits? The resounding answer is hell yah. Except for in the dining areas it was pretty much all I wore around the resort.
Had a good time, did lots, slept lots and sunned lots. I aimed for a lovely golden toasty colour but SPF's got nothing on the Costa Rican UVs and I come back as dark toast. Mr. Stinky's also toasty bronze and diligently peeling all over the place. We're both itchy as hell, him from the sun but both mostly due to all the bug bites we endured. The downside to having so much exposed skin all day long is the buffet feast the mosquitoes get to enjoy as they claimed dominion over all parts of our bodies. Let me tell you, some of the bites... dude. Those bugs could've at least offered me a cigarette afterwards. Maldicion!
Flight there wasn't too exciting besides the in-flight entertainment. Guy beside me was separated from his girlfriend on the other side of the aisle and they put on quite the PDA show until about an hour into the flight when Cole's Notes version, he wanted to watch the movie and her words exactly, "Pay attention to me! You never talk to me!! We're in a relationship!!!" Dramatic Princess Alert! Histrionics I do not enjoy. These kinds of people make me want to engage in some sort of violent act upon their bodies. At first Mr. Stinky and I were amused but when the flight's 5 hours long it does get tiring after awhile. Would've been a good time to learn invisibility to dole out a backhand or two. They made a very shaky truce at the end of the flight. Oh yes, Costa Rica's very hilly.
Upon reaching San Jose airport we needed to board a regional flight to get to the resort. It
was a tiny plane, think Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom small and rickety. Looked like same era kind of nuts and bolts too. During the flight something started beeping and I had fanciful thoughts of adventures with the giant rubber raft flying through the air, sledding down a snow capped mountain and landing in a river in India to be greeted by some wizened and esoteric shaman. We made it OK, you can unclench your fists. I know you were worried a little bit.
After being tagged and released at the front desk we were left to our own devices. We had a great view of the ocean from our balcony and were happy to score such a nice location that was a little bit away from the main resort.
We went on several excursions, horseback riding, ATVing, zip lining through the canopy and snorkeling at Tortuga Island. All very fun but I have to say the best was the horseback ride. Our guide took us through the hills, farm fields and orchards, across creeks and along the beach. I don't think many things can top the
experience of galloping along a beautiful beach at top speeds. Mr. Stinky and I raced each other for what seemed like forever it was so cool. We even got to see some wildlife, like the Mantled Howler Monkey. Couldn't catch. No Christmas monkeys this year, sorry. No Christmas iguanas either, Mr. Stinky couldn't snag one of those ugly things.
I don't recommend resort vacationing unless you don't want to do anything but lounge all day long. It does get kind of boring after several days even though frolicking in the ocean with boogie boards and sea kayaks took place almost daily. There's only so much you can do from one base camp. I think I prefer cruises and car vacations much more as each day is different. The food at the resort wasn't great either, everyday it was the same stuff over and over again and the quality was marginal at best. Think cafeteria food. They claim to have two restaurants, the steakhouse and a seafood place but the latter never opened once the entire week we were there despite the fact that they kept taking dinner reservations everyday. ?? They've also erected a Discoteca which came with exactly one tune looped at maximum volume and defibrillating bass all night long. Very annoying, not easy to sleep when all you hear and feel in bed is the constant thudding into early morning. But definitely the land and people were awesome. So bottom line: Costa Rica si, (hidden message alert) Barcelo Playa Tambor, no.
To revel in our last week a little bit longer, a few more pictures from paradise. They have all kinds of crazy birds and animals down there. Here are a few pelicans waiting by the docks for the plentiful bounty of fish guts 
tossed by the local fisherman. Who doesn't enjoy a free lunch? And two of the most adorable dogs who were our faithful companions for a whole morning as we took a long trek along the ocean trail. Rental fee was one smooshed NutriGrain bar we weren't going to eat anyway, how cheap was that?
Palm trees all over the resort, not so prevalent everywhere else.
Still very pretty, as is evident from my hammock. And lastly, I've been told that I have nice feet. I know that the salty lech said that so he could get into my pants but looking at how happy they are, what more do I need to add really?
So the question was, can one live all week in their swimsuits? The resounding answer is hell yah. Except for in the dining areas it was pretty much all I wore around the resort.
Had a good time, did lots, slept lots and sunned lots. I aimed for a lovely golden toasty colour but SPF's got nothing on the Costa Rican UVs and I come back as dark toast. Mr. Stinky's also toasty bronze and diligently peeling all over the place. We're both itchy as hell, him from the sun but both mostly due to all the bug bites we endured. The downside to having so much exposed skin all day long is the buffet feast the mosquitoes get to enjoy as they claimed dominion over all parts of our bodies. Let me tell you, some of the bites... dude. Those bugs could've at least offered me a cigarette afterwards. Maldicion!
Flight there wasn't too exciting besides the in-flight entertainment. Guy beside me was separated from his girlfriend on the other side of the aisle and they put on quite the PDA show until about an hour into the flight when Cole's Notes version, he wanted to watch the movie and her words exactly, "Pay attention to me! You never talk to me!! We're in a relationship!!!" Dramatic Princess Alert! Histrionics I do not enjoy. These kinds of people make me want to engage in some sort of violent act upon their bodies. At first Mr. Stinky and I were amused but when the flight's 5 hours long it does get tiring after awhile. Would've been a good time to learn invisibility to dole out a backhand or two. They made a very shaky truce at the end of the flight. Oh yes, Costa Rica's very hilly.Upon reaching San Jose airport we needed to board a regional flight to get to the resort. It
was a tiny plane, think Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom small and rickety. Looked like same era kind of nuts and bolts too. During the flight something started beeping and I had fanciful thoughts of adventures with the giant rubber raft flying through the air, sledding down a snow capped mountain and landing in a river in India to be greeted by some wizened and esoteric shaman. We made it OK, you can unclench your fists. I know you were worried a little bit.
After being tagged and released at the front desk we were left to our own devices. We had a great view of the ocean from our balcony and were happy to score such a nice location that was a little bit away from the main resort.We went on several excursions, horseback riding, ATVing, zip lining through the canopy and snorkeling at Tortuga Island. All very fun but I have to say the best was the horseback ride. Our guide took us through the hills, farm fields and orchards, across creeks and along the beach. I don't think many things can top the
experience of galloping along a beautiful beach at top speeds. Mr. Stinky and I raced each other for what seemed like forever it was so cool. We even got to see some wildlife, like the Mantled Howler Monkey. Couldn't catch. No Christmas monkeys this year, sorry. No Christmas iguanas either, Mr. Stinky couldn't snag one of those ugly things.I don't recommend resort vacationing unless you don't want to do anything but lounge all day long. It does get kind of boring after several days even though frolicking in the ocean with boogie boards and sea kayaks took place almost daily. There's only so much you can do from one base camp. I think I prefer cruises and car vacations much more as each day is different. The food at the resort wasn't great either, everyday it was the same stuff over and over again and the quality was marginal at best. Think cafeteria food. They claim to have two restaurants, the steakhouse and a seafood place but the latter never opened once the entire week we were there despite the fact that they kept taking dinner reservations everyday. ?? They've also erected a Discoteca which came with exactly one tune looped at maximum volume and defibrillating bass all night long. Very annoying, not easy to sleep when all you hear and feel in bed is the constant thudding into early morning. But definitely the land and people were awesome. So bottom line: Costa Rica si, (hidden message alert) Barcelo Playa Tambor, no.
To revel in our last week a little bit longer, a few more pictures from paradise. They have all kinds of crazy birds and animals down there. Here are a few pelicans waiting by the docks for the plentiful bounty of fish guts 
tossed by the local fisherman. Who doesn't enjoy a free lunch? And two of the most adorable dogs who were our faithful companions for a whole morning as we took a long trek along the ocean trail. Rental fee was one smooshed NutriGrain bar we weren't going to eat anyway, how cheap was that?Palm trees all over the resort, not so prevalent everywhere else.
Still very pretty, as is evident from my hammock. And lastly, I've been told that I have nice feet. I know that the salty lech said that so he could get into my pants but looking at how happy they are, what more do I need to add really?
December 08, 2006
Lost in Space
So you've been checking constantly for something new, right? And you suffer daily because I'm not writing about the wad of bubblegum stuck on the bottom of my shoe, Naked Twister Tuesdays or the many times I trip while walking... over nothing, for your enjoyment. I hope you've made it past the withdrawal period by now because after this meaningless post you gotta wait a little longer. I know, I'm your dirty little secret addiction just as I am mine.
Or something like that.
I'm off on vacation, going to sunny (I hope!) Costa Rica with Mr. Stinky to enjoy the summer we postponed due to school. Be back in a week or so. I promise lots of pictures upon my return and as many stories as my alcohol-addled mind will retain or conjure. All those who put in orders for a monkey should keep in mind that supply is on a first come, first serve basis as we haven't tested Mr. Stinky's primate wrestling skills yet... you may just get tropical rabies instead. In the meantime think of me in my pink bikini and Mr. Stinky in this thong Speedo merrily frolicking in the crashing surf, running slow motion to some cheesy Baywatch soundtrack along the shore while beads of water cascade off our wet.. tanned... bodies.
OK, stop thinking about the thong Speedo already.
Or something like that.
I'm off on vacation, going to sunny (I hope!) Costa Rica with Mr. Stinky to enjoy the summer we postponed due to school. Be back in a week or so. I promise lots of pictures upon my return and as many stories as my alcohol-addled mind will retain or conjure. All those who put in orders for a monkey should keep in mind that supply is on a first come, first serve basis as we haven't tested Mr. Stinky's primate wrestling skills yet... you may just get tropical rabies instead. In the meantime think of me in my pink bikini and Mr. Stinky in this thong Speedo merrily frolicking in the crashing surf, running slow motion to some cheesy Baywatch soundtrack along the shore while beads of water cascade off our wet.. tanned... bodies.
OK, stop thinking about the thong Speedo already.
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