Yesterday I had a course to attend for work and was early so I hung out in a nearby food court reading the newspaper and killing time. About 100 feet from me was a Starbucks. At first I paid this American caffeine establishment no heed, but after awhile I found myself being interrupted every few seconds by the coffee-making employees. Oh wait, as they are also a pretentious establishment I should use the correct term: barristas.
So there was this extra peppy lid guy or drink caller-outer standing there. His job was to wipe the bottoms, lid the cup or whatever and then announce very loudly the drink that was just made: "I HAVE A VENTI HALF MOCHA CHOCA NON-FAT NON-DAIRY EXTRA WHIP RANDOM ADJECTIVES IN A FRILLY CUP REA-DEE!" On a side note, God forbid you use regular english when you order and say something like "large". You obviously understand what I'm asking for so why are you being an ass when you look down your pierced little nose, get all Italian on me and say "VEN-ti" like you're a teacher talking down to a kid?
Watching him yell out the very splashy and complicated names of the drinks while the customers were standing right in front of him reminded me of a scene in Half Baked when Scarface was at work and the cashier boomed into the mic what the customer had just ordered.
"You son-of-a-bitch, I'm right behind you. Turn around and ask me for a heifer with cheese, yo. Why you got to make me feel inferior because I'm on the grill, B? Damn!"
Seriously, nobody outside the world of Starbucks cares what the guy just ordered. Why's you gotta make it such a big deal, yo? And while I'm at it, why's your people gotta stop every once in awhile and dance a jig or howl at the moon? You're making coffee, yo, not big deals on The Wall with other big suits. If putting liquids in a cup successfully is such an achievement, do I wanna buy from you? Seriously, B.
I wonder if you go to special Starbucks school to learn how to act like a Starbucks employee. I bet they weed out the applicants to get only the best of the best, and then they churn out model employees like frothy somethingmachinnos who are now Starbucks hip, Starbucks cool and Starbucks savvy. The pseudos of society if you will. Maybe their motto is "Not quite there, but crazy styled hair". There must be manuals and such you must follow. I bet they make you snort lines of fine Columbian grind to stay chipper all the live long day too. Their CEO must be Ned Flanders and every once in awhile they go get re-Neducated! Duuude, I just figured out their whole cultish empire!
I really should shut my yap, I know of someone who works at a Starbucks and last I saw her she was pretty cool. But that was also before she was actually recruited into one of these gourmet coffee shoppes.
I wonder if there are bible verses under the rims of the cups too, yo.
February 28, 2006
February 20, 2006
Sunday Bliss
For those of you who think I'm too negative, here's one for you.
Yesterday we woke up and lolled around in bed talking and relaxing. Then we got up and went out for brunch. Stuffed ourselves silly and did a little shopping at Home Depot and Staples for house improvement stuff.
Came home and slept. Mmmmm.... We snuggled on my childhood bed and napped the entire afternoon. Iggy nestled in between our legs when he wasn't trying to nuzzle mommy and release stinky-love butt pheromones all over the room. The sun was bright and the bed was warm.
What could be a better lazy Sunday than that? Eating, sleeping and occasionally swatting the cat away from your face? Bliss.
Yesterday we woke up and lolled around in bed talking and relaxing. Then we got up and went out for brunch. Stuffed ourselves silly and did a little shopping at Home Depot and Staples for house improvement stuff.
Came home and slept. Mmmmm.... We snuggled on my childhood bed and napped the entire afternoon. Iggy nestled in between our legs when he wasn't trying to nuzzle mommy and release stinky-love butt pheromones all over the room. The sun was bright and the bed was warm.
What could be a better lazy Sunday than that? Eating, sleeping and occasionally swatting the cat away from your face? Bliss.
February 15, 2006
How 'Bout No?
So you're in a situation and ask for my opinion, I give it to you. You think about it for 2.1 seconds and keep on whining about how "stuck" you are.
Don't bother me, I don't want to hear it.
A friend of mine, we'll call X was asked by a friend for a favour, it was a yes or no kind of question. Granted there are always variables that need to be considered, but it was also one of those "If you want to, say yes. If you don't want to, say no." Simple, right?
For me, yes. It's something I don't even need to think about if I don't want to do it. For X, no. X thinks anytime you say no you're being rude so therefore X must say yes even though it's not the answer X wants to give but how can X be rude and say no when it's a friend asking for a favour, even though they're not close but have known each other for a long time, and how can anyone be so rude as to say no to their friends and not fulfill the favour and besides, there are some sort of family ties, and said friend is a really nice person and makes some good ravioli and what are we talking about here???
You see how I could have so little patience for something as trivial and melodramatic as this.
Please understand that the word "no" itself is not a bad word. It's neither rude, disrespectful nor mean. There are two answers in this world, "yes" and "no", and it is totally OK to use either one of them provided you have a valid reason. All X has to do is say "Thank you for asking but I have to turn it down because: (I don't have the time/I'm not the right person for the job/of conflicting schedules/etc.)." There's no need to spin to make your answer sound better, no need to go nuts overthinking something because you're afraid to tell the truth. There are other people in this world from whom to ask a favour, y'know.
You don't need to agree with me or take my advice but let's not go in circles discussing the topic to death. When I've heard your situation 4 or 5 times already and it looks like we're rounding the corner into the 6th lap, you need to let it go. I've said my piece and at this point you're just looking for pity and pissing me off and I don't want either. Please learn to say no, it won't hurt. I promise.
Don't bother me, I don't want to hear it.
A friend of mine, we'll call X was asked by a friend for a favour, it was a yes or no kind of question. Granted there are always variables that need to be considered, but it was also one of those "If you want to, say yes. If you don't want to, say no." Simple, right?
For me, yes. It's something I don't even need to think about if I don't want to do it. For X, no. X thinks anytime you say no you're being rude so therefore X must say yes even though it's not the answer X wants to give but how can X be rude and say no when it's a friend asking for a favour, even though they're not close but have known each other for a long time, and how can anyone be so rude as to say no to their friends and not fulfill the favour and besides, there are some sort of family ties, and said friend is a really nice person and makes some good ravioli and what are we talking about here???
You see how I could have so little patience for something as trivial and melodramatic as this.
Please understand that the word "no" itself is not a bad word. It's neither rude, disrespectful nor mean. There are two answers in this world, "yes" and "no", and it is totally OK to use either one of them provided you have a valid reason. All X has to do is say "Thank you for asking but I have to turn it down because: (I don't have the time/I'm not the right person for the job/of conflicting schedules/etc.)." There's no need to spin to make your answer sound better, no need to go nuts overthinking something because you're afraid to tell the truth. There are other people in this world from whom to ask a favour, y'know.
You don't need to agree with me or take my advice but let's not go in circles discussing the topic to death. When I've heard your situation 4 or 5 times already and it looks like we're rounding the corner into the 6th lap, you need to let it go. I've said my piece and at this point you're just looking for pity and pissing me off and I don't want either. Please learn to say no, it won't hurt. I promise.
February 13, 2006
Bloat
"But I have days when I feel great and then I have days when my ass won't fit in my jeans and I won't leave the house." -Kate Beckinsale
I'm having a fat and ugly day. I put on a pair of pants this morning and not only did I have to do the big suck-it-in thing (like I used to watch my mom do... !!!), when I finally forced the zipper and buttons closed I had a perma wedgie... front and back.
I remember when I was younger and finding it amusing that women had to decompress their midriffs, suffocate their internal organs and lose the ability to breathe just to put on a pair of pants. I guess it's being a slave to fashion that we want to fit into nice looking clothes. I also remember thinking to myself, "I'll never do that when I grow up. I'll stay trim and make sure I can zip up easily." I guess gravity and age are teaching me a few life lessons about the ever-changing body I had hoped I wouldn't need to learn.
I'm learning that vanity has a life-force all its own and it barely fits into a woman's ego. There will always be someone much more attractive, smarter, confident, with longer legs, bigger boobs, smaller waist, tighter butt, more curves, less curves and beauty queen-like qualities when compared to you. There will always be people you stand next to that make you feel like pigeon poo from yesterday's feast of cockroaches and grubs. I understand now why we try and jam our jiggles into pants that don't quite fit anymore, style our hair all pretty and slap on the spackle like nobody's business to smooth the wrinkles and look air-brushed beautiful. We want to feel attractive and turn heads and maybe even lusted after. Maybe if we think hard enough, we can convince ourselves and the world that we're as hot as *her*. As superficial as it is, who doesn't walk out the door without first a quick glance in the mirror?
Needless to say I had to change. I didn't think I could suffer through a whole day of squatting, stretching and wriggling around while yanking out the fabric melded into my crotch feeling like I was wearing something from the Jr. Miss store. It didn't make me feel better that I fit the second pair of pants, more like defeated. Being a smaller person you may think I'm crazy to even think this, but hey, sometimes I feel fat, ugly and unwanted too.
I'm having a fat and ugly day. I put on a pair of pants this morning and not only did I have to do the big suck-it-in thing (like I used to watch my mom do... !!!), when I finally forced the zipper and buttons closed I had a perma wedgie... front and back.
I remember when I was younger and finding it amusing that women had to decompress their midriffs, suffocate their internal organs and lose the ability to breathe just to put on a pair of pants. I guess it's being a slave to fashion that we want to fit into nice looking clothes. I also remember thinking to myself, "I'll never do that when I grow up. I'll stay trim and make sure I can zip up easily." I guess gravity and age are teaching me a few life lessons about the ever-changing body I had hoped I wouldn't need to learn.
I'm learning that vanity has a life-force all its own and it barely fits into a woman's ego. There will always be someone much more attractive, smarter, confident, with longer legs, bigger boobs, smaller waist, tighter butt, more curves, less curves and beauty queen-like qualities when compared to you. There will always be people you stand next to that make you feel like pigeon poo from yesterday's feast of cockroaches and grubs. I understand now why we try and jam our jiggles into pants that don't quite fit anymore, style our hair all pretty and slap on the spackle like nobody's business to smooth the wrinkles and look air-brushed beautiful. We want to feel attractive and turn heads and maybe even lusted after. Maybe if we think hard enough, we can convince ourselves and the world that we're as hot as *her*. As superficial as it is, who doesn't walk out the door without first a quick glance in the mirror?
Needless to say I had to change. I didn't think I could suffer through a whole day of squatting, stretching and wriggling around while yanking out the fabric melded into my crotch feeling like I was wearing something from the Jr. Miss store. It didn't make me feel better that I fit the second pair of pants, more like defeated. Being a smaller person you may think I'm crazy to even think this, but hey, sometimes I feel fat, ugly and unwanted too.
February 08, 2006
Queen of the Blah
I got S.A.D. I feel like Eeyore on a good day. Don't know what it is? I'll stick the link at the bottom so I won't have to explain. Feel so blah. And tired. And blah.
I like winter, I like the cold and snow, the ice and the cutting winds that make you curse profusely in your head coz if you open your mouth to say them your teeth might freeze and fall off. It's the BRRRR of winter that makes me appreciate the SSSSS of summer, and vice versa. I like the differences in our seasons; I couldn't live in the tropics where it's hot and hotter than hell. Sooner or later I'd hate being hot and sticky all the time. There's a reason the summer is off-season in the Caribbeans.
This winter's been pretty sucky though... It's not cold, it's not warm it's muddling somewhere in between. It rains when it should snow, my garden's budding in the middle of winter and it just sucks. If I wanted to live in Vancouver I would have moved there!! What the hell.
I don't know what exactly it is. I'm just not feeling the love this season. All I want to do is hibernate in bed until I feel it's time to get up... just wanna shut down and block out the world. I feel bored a lot but there's no motivation to do anything. I have to admit I'm a lazy person but now I'm so lazy I feel like a puddle... a thick, syrupy, oozy, non-moving, non-breathing puddle.
Blah.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
February 01, 2006
Public Announcement for Oral Sanity
Halitosis. Embarassing, unpleasant, fact of life.
Nobody has perfect breath, especially after an orgasm-worthy meal for the tastebuds filled with garlic, curry, chives, onion, etc. Most notibly, we've got cigarette breath, coffee breath, barf breath, morning breath and ass breath (which doesn't smell like anything in particular, just toxic); it's a whole rainbow variety of smells out there. That's why the market for chewing gum, tasty toothpastes, minty candies and mouthwash is so huge.
But really, if you notice consistently that when you're having a conversation or in a meeting with others and pick up on the following behaviours, there is a screaming loud message being broadcasted to you subtly. Nobody wants to embarass you. Really. Take notice.
> People trying desperately to smell their armpits, sleeves or collars
> People doing a lot of "mm-hmm"ing behind hands or papers conspicuously covering the whole lower half of their faces
> People who seem to exhale a whole lot more than they inhale
> People who, when they respond, sound like they are choking (we're trying not to breathe in)
> Large buffer zones at the conference table between you and everyone else
> Everyone offering you a mint, stick of gum, face shield, etc.
> Heads cocked at weird angles, but never facing you
> People who step backwards while they talk until you've backed them up literally, against a wall
If you discover that regular oral hygiene isn't working for you, go see your doctor or dentist. It could be a medical thing. It could be a diet thing. It could be that we need to install a filter at your lips so I get Brita fresh air instead of sewer breath when we talk. And please, above all else, I can hear you from 5 feet away. Let's not be able to soulfully gaze into each others' eyes while your breath tickles my ears, vapourizes my nose hairs and dissolves my trachea.
If I offer you a mint, take it. I'll do the same if you were me and I was you.
Nobody has perfect breath, especially after an orgasm-worthy meal for the tastebuds filled with garlic, curry, chives, onion, etc. Most notibly, we've got cigarette breath, coffee breath, barf breath, morning breath and ass breath (which doesn't smell like anything in particular, just toxic); it's a whole rainbow variety of smells out there. That's why the market for chewing gum, tasty toothpastes, minty candies and mouthwash is so huge.
But really, if you notice consistently that when you're having a conversation or in a meeting with others and pick up on the following behaviours, there is a screaming loud message being broadcasted to you subtly. Nobody wants to embarass you. Really. Take notice.
> People trying desperately to smell their armpits, sleeves or collars
> People doing a lot of "mm-hmm"ing behind hands or papers conspicuously covering the whole lower half of their faces
> People who seem to exhale a whole lot more than they inhale
> People who, when they respond, sound like they are choking (we're trying not to breathe in)
> Large buffer zones at the conference table between you and everyone else
> Everyone offering you a mint, stick of gum, face shield, etc.
> Heads cocked at weird angles, but never facing you
> People who step backwards while they talk until you've backed them up literally, against a wall
If you discover that regular oral hygiene isn't working for you, go see your doctor or dentist. It could be a medical thing. It could be a diet thing. It could be that we need to install a filter at your lips so I get Brita fresh air instead of sewer breath when we talk. And please, above all else, I can hear you from 5 feet away. Let's not be able to soulfully gaze into each others' eyes while your breath tickles my ears, vapourizes my nose hairs and dissolves my trachea.
If I offer you a mint, take it. I'll do the same if you were me and I was you.
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